How Do We Cope With Loss – In a Pandemic World?
“We all face moral and ethical challenges in our lives. Sometimes we make mistakes, but we are all just human beings with flaws. All I try to do is good deeds each day.” Rodney Joseph Wortley, April 2020.
Rod, Roddie, Phantom - or Rodney as I often liked to call him – was my wonderful Stepfather, who sadly passed away suddenly in Adelaide on the 5th January, 2021. I’d known him for 35 years, since the age of 12, and he became an extraordinarily positive influence on me. He had an enormous zest for life - he was fun, he loved teasing and stirring the pot, he helped so many people, he did so much for my mother and our family, and he always, always looked on the bright side – so much so that the last song at the funeral ceremony was ‘Always Look on the Bright Side of Life’. I have been blessed to call him my second Dad.
Due to the pandemic, and the subsequent restrictions on entering Australia, it was impossible for me to fly home to mourn his loss with my family. Thousands of Australians have found themselves in similar situations over the last 10 months - whether they’re Australians that are unable to get back into the country, are already in the country but can’t cross state borders, or just couldn’t attend a funeral due to a variety of location restrictions. But it’s not unique to Australia – similar problems are echoed all around the world. It’s made me ask the question, in this unique time in our lives, how have people been coping with their loss when the traditional ways of mourning have been taken away? And just how important is religion in coping with the loss of a loved one?
On the last day that I spoke with Rod - three days before he passed - our family were on a long driving day here in the US; so when I wasn’t driving, navigating or child-wrangling, I was spending some time reading, journaling and listening to Podcasts. One that popped up in my YouTube feed – that I wasn’t familiar with - was the episode ‘Beyond Death – The Story of God with Morgan Freeman’ where he explores different religions past and present, and how they answer the question – what happens when we die? I was intrigued that it should appear at a seemingly random time in my life, and subsequently watched it.
In this first episode (there are 3 series and 15 episodes in total) he explores the concept of the after-life by visiting people or countries that have had differing beliefs throughout time. This includes the Egyptians and the Aztecs – who both depended on the power of the dead, Christianity - which believes in eternal life in Heaven (or Hell), and Hinduism – the belief that that a person will be reincarnated upon death to live again and atone for wrongs done in the previous life. In total over the series, he visits 20 cities and 7 countries – and many religions - to explore the question further. The program seems to tie into what many others have written about religion, including Encyclopedia.com:
“The major religions are in accord in one great teaching: Human beings are immortal and their spirit comes from a divine world, and may eventually return there”.
and
“All the major religions hold the belief that how a person has conducted himself or herself while living on Earth will greatly influence his or her soul’s ultimate destiny after physical death.”
For the many that have suffered loss throughout the pandemic, I suspect religion has been a huge comfort during the grieving process, with the belief that their loved one has gone on to a better place.
But what if you, or your loved one, is not religious?
I was recently struck by a question I heard from a religious person here in Memphis – it was something along the lines of “I don’t know how people can live without any religious faith?”. It’s really stayed with me and forced me to think deeper on this, particularly in this current moment. Living in ‘The Bible Belt’ of the US, it’s fair to say that the majority of people I come into contact with have a faith background, and Christian values tend to underpin the way of life here; so it might be unusual for locals to meet those that don’t have a faith background. Coming from Australia, which is generally a secular country (as described well in this piece Is Australia A Secular Country?), I know many people that don’t profess to any faith, and have lived wonderful lives of benevolence, decency, and humility; my Stepfather included. Whilst he had read The Bible, and apparently also The Koran and The Torah, Rod was never baptised. He wanted to understand the different religious viewpoints, but religion was never a moral compass for him. Doing good deeds each day, and showing love for his fellow man, was his modus operandi. He didn’t need a religious set of rules to follow or a God to worship, he just did what he thought was right.
Whilst Morgan Freeman identifies as agnostic, during the making of ‘The Story of God’, he discovered a religion he could relate to: Zoroastrianism:
“It is a belief system that is intrinsically me: ‘Good thoughts, good words, good deeds' pretty much sums it up,’" he said. I’m pretty sure Rod would subscribe to this as well - they’re certainly the character traits of the man that I so fondly remember.
For those loved ones that are left behind, we can either use our faith in knowing that our loved one is going to a better place, or we can be content knowing that our loved one lived a full life of goodness.
In the absence of funeral planning & attendance, and reminiscing about Rod with my family, I’ve found it healing to do daily checks-ins with my Mum, sister and brother; and like I was throughout 2020, I’ve been extremely thankful for technology that makes this possible. Whilst a live-streamed funeral is not the same as being there in person, it’s certainly a huge help in the grieving process. I was still able to experience the full range of emotions I would have if I was there in person; and I also managed a few laughs by watching some of the non-verbal communication of the crowd - that I perhaps wouldn’t have ordinarily seen. Numerous chat pages have been set up on social media platforms by Australians that are having difficulty in getting back home (some with some heart-breaking stories), and these have been surprisingly comforting – knowing that there are thousands of others that have similar stories of loss. And local friends have reached out and offered to sit with me and hear stories about Rod, which was really heart-warming. I have no doubt that the full force of the loss won’t hit me until I return to Adelaide and Rod is not there to pick me up from the airport; right now, it all feels quite surreal. Writing has helped me process intense emotions over the last year, and this continues to be a wonderful way for me to help deal with this sad loss.
Whether we’re religious or not, I really love this take on the after-life by Freeman from ‘The Story of God’:
“One form of life after death is the memory of deceased family members and friends who continue to guide us. It’s human nature to fight against the finality of death. If we ourselves can’t live on after our time on earth is over, we at least want to be remembered. We all live on in the memories of those we love, in those whose lives we’ve impacted in a positive manner.”
At almost the exact time that Rod passed, on my Instagram page I posted a series of bright, colourful, fun photos I took at ‘The Color Factory’ in New York – an interactive space which embraces child-like imagination, while expanding boundaries of perception and understanding. As a prolific reader, an amazing Grandfather that doted on his grandchildren, with a love of curiosity and fun, and as someone who is remembered by his bright clothes and effervescent personality; I couldn’t think of a more fitting - albeit unintentional at the time - tribute.
Rod made the world a better place by his positivity, his treatment of everyone he came into contact with, the good deeds he did every day, and his love of life. The endearing love and devotion he had for my mother was so very special, and has etched an imprint into my heart.
Dearest Rodney, I will cherish the wonderful memories I have of you, and I thank you for your impact on my life. Rest in peace. You will be sorely missed by so many, but you will never be forgotten.