A Letter to My Girls (and Especially My Boy)
Brittany Higgins and Grace Tame. Photo by Chris Ferguson for Marie Claire.
Dear Z, I, A and L,
You’re aged from 10 through 15 as I write this, so you probably won’t read it now (you’ll think I’m giving you another lecture!), but hopefully, one day you will. Some pivotal conversations around women have been taking place in the Australian media landscape of late, and I don’t want you to miss them.
There are two voices in Australia right now that I want you to take note of - Brittany Higgins and Grace Tame. They both came to our attention about a year ago - Grace, since she was announced Australian of the Year in January 2021, and who has become a household name as a brave and passionate advocate for systemic change to prevent child sexual abuse; and Brittany, a former political staffer, who has been credited with sparking debate on gender-based violence and safety within Australian politics - and the workplace in general - following her brave decision to publicly allege she was raped by a colleague inside Parliament House.
They have brought topics such as abuse of power, sexual assault, and the conditioning of the female voice to the forefront with their determination to make change. Just last week, they both spoke superbly at a National Press Club address, and I urge you to watch it, all the way through:
Georgie Dent, was in the audience, and wrote this about the experience in Women’s Agenda:
“I drove to Canberra and had the extraordinary honour of experiencing the electrifying, spine-tingling, tear-jerking, heart-swelling, nation-changing speeches that Brittany Higgins and Grace Tame delivered at the National Press Club.”
“It is impossible to adequately describe the power these young women possess. The mood in the room before they took to the stage was heady. Tickets to the event sold out in 45 minutes and there was a waitlist of several hundred. For myriad reasons when Brittany Higgins and Grace Tame speak the country listens. What they say matters. How they say it and why they say it matters too. They are both fiercely intelligent, thoughtful, courageous, with astonishing command of the spoken word.”
I watched from home, and I too, was absolutely in awe of these powerful young women, and excited that they are wonderful role models for all of us, but especially for the children, like yourselves, that are following in their wake.
Another notable event was when Grace Tame, in her capacity as outgoing Australian of the Year, turned up at a pre-Australia Day event at The Lodge (where the Morrison family currently live) and DIDN’T SMILE AT THE PRIME MINISTER. Gasps of horror reverberated throughout the country and mountains of column inches were dedicated to writing about the incident. I will admit, initially I was a little taken aback by the snubbing, but after reading a few positive opinions on the matter, my reaction quickly changed to one of complete admiration for Grace, and I realised that it was social conditioning that caused my initial reaction. Whilst I try to teach you kids manners that I was brought up with, I realise, that it is actually more detrimental for you in the long run to fake your emotions, and I want to encourage you all to always express how you feel. When you understand why Grace feels the way she does about the Prime Minister (for us to discuss at another time), I want to applaud her even more for her actions.
ABC News
It’s worth you learning as soon as possible, that with powerful women comes many detractors, and the attempts to discredit begin, as Angela Priestly describes in this article Desperate attempts to discredit Grace Tame backfire in a big way in Women’s Agenda:
“Courtesies are about retaining the status quo. They are about urging women to play nice, to smile, to continue the standards that have oppressed them for centuries, and to respect those who hold traditional positions of power.
And so when people see someone failing to play within the expected rules, they fear the status quo may be falling apart. And wouldn’t that be a terrible state of affairs for so many blokes running the country right now?”
Also, as written by Jacqueline Malay in the article History has shown activists and revolutionaries tend to prioritise messages over manners in the the Sydney Morning Herald:
“Tame’s critics have a hard time accepting that she doesn’t care what they think, which in turn exposes their insecurity in a changing world.”
“They have a hard time accepting her generation’s model of activism, which is predicated on the stance that it is not the job of a victim/survivor to disguise negative emotions so the powerful feel comfortable.”
This is one of the things I particularly admire about Grace Tame, her reluctance to conform. What you see is what you get - raw and angry passion for change, there is no masking her responses. It’s quite the opposite to how I remember being brought up, and I love it! I particularly enjoyed this comment from Twitter user Mary:
“I’m 83 and I’m glad I’ve lived to see these young women being true to themselves and not conforming to patriarchal expectations. I say to Grace, if you have the energy and as long as you don’t harm yourself, please, for all women and children, continue to maintain and show your rage.” Hear, hear!
For many of us, these patriarchal expectations and rules are so in-grained, that we don’t even know when we’re playing by them. In fact, here’s a quick story explaining why I was prompted to post this blog for you all in the first place:
I posted this picture I made of a peacock, on my Instagram page last week. The comment I accompanied it with wasn’t what I really wanted to write at all. Here is an excerpt:
“I just wanted to share with you today this magnificent beauty. Aren’t these the most glorious creatures. I was thrilled to come across it at the Adelaide Zoo recently.”
Whilst that is all true, what I really wanted to write at the time was something more along the lines of:
“When do ‘females’ get to show off their innate gifts, and how many out there actually never get to show them off as they’ve been so conditioned by society to always be the good girl, don’t make waves, fit in, and to toe to line?”
You see, a peacock is male; and the smaller, less colourful female version is the peahen. It got me thinking….
I realised, that by writing my nicer, more positive text, I was masking my true emotions which were angrier and perhaps a bit sour, which is EXACTLY what Grace Tame brilliantly DIDN’T do to the Prime Mister that day.
News.com
In response to the outpouring of both adulation and condemnation in the media and in public in regard to Grace-Tame-not-smiling-at-the-PM and the speeches Grace and Brittany delivered at the National Press Club, ABC journalist Virginia Trioli wrote this in her article Why are so many of us uncomfortable with the face of an angry woman?:
“After hundreds of years of being raised in the arts of making nice - for safety, for self-preservation, for comfort and for the comfort of others - a new generation of women is stepping into their power fuelled by the unasked-for anger that is a by-product of their trauma. And they want you to see it on their face. And they don't care if it makes you or makes me squirm.
We are going to have to get comfortable with seeing a woman’s rage. And if this generation is offering to teach us all the dark arts of refusing to make nice, I want to join their coven.”
Me too!
Some have written about Grace Tame’s autism disability, and how that affects her persona. Kara Schlegl writes in her article Expecting Grace Tame To Smile Is Not Only Sexist, It’s Ableist:
“Being “too much” is, in “polite” society, considered a serious and punishable offence if you are a woman. Women are condemned for being too angry, too loud, too critical, too passionate, too spiteful, too stoic, I could keep going, but this list might already be too much for you. This is a serious problem for me, and for a lot of autistic women out there, because we are more naturally inclined to be all of these things, and more, especially when the situation calls for it.”
You can hear Grace discuss her autism at the 23.20 to 24.45 minute mark of this excellent interview conducted by Kerry O’Brien in March 2021:
Like Greta Thunberg, who is also autistic and often accused as being ‘too much’, these young women are teaching us that sometimes women DO need to be ‘too much’ to change the world. Kids, if you can be anything like these courageous women, you’ll make me a very happy Mum.
I’d also love for you to read this brilliant article: Untamed: not ready to make nice by Ronni Salt in The Shot, in which she describes why angry young women like Grace Tame are not the problem, but the solution.
Amy Remeikis, a sexual assault survivor herself, also wrote a brilliant article: On The Project my rage bubbled to the surface. That’s what happens when women are no longer willing to make nice where she writes:
“So what happens when we’re no longer willing to make nice? What happens when decades of conditioning to smile through the discomfort, for the sole purpose of making others feel comfortable, shatters? What happens when women start declining to make Very Important Men feel better about themselves and their offensive opinions?”
Clearly, a lot of people get upset!
Thank goodness these views are continuing to be challenged by women (and men), particularly younger ones. Their courage is infectious, and we’re seeing all generations of women revisiting their past and the stories they were told. We’re realising, perhaps too late for some, that so much of what we were told was not true, and that we were just trying to fit into a power structure that was never built for us in the first place.
Girls, as much as I’d like to think that you won’t face the same issues so many above you have, there is still a long way to go. But awareness is a pretty good start, and I’m hopeful you’ll share some of the traits of these young woman. And to my LAD, I think it’s even more important for you to be aware of the patriarchal power structure that has benefited men for such a long time. I hope one day you too can play a part in the rebuilding of the structures so that we see an equal playing field for all.
Since you all love TikTok so much, here is someone I think worthwhile following. Have a listen to this amazing poem and take note:
And when you want to read about all the terrible advice women have been told for centuries, borrow my Kaz Cooke book “You’re Doing it Wrong - A History of Bad & Bonkers Advice to Women - which shows how advice has been a weapon against us - and how by recognising it, we can ignore it. And totally cheer up.”
What I love most about all these women and stories, is that, despite their hardships or adherence to a certain perceived social order, they’ve decided to stand up against the patriarchy, and they’re out there being authentically themselves. There is no bullshit.
Many against their actions may say something like this:
“That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is”
as per the Bruce Hornsby song ‘The Way It Is’ below, which interestingly, deals with the Civil Rights movement in the US. The lyrics discuss the need to resist complacency and never resign yourself to ‘racial injustice’ (or, *insert* whichever cause you are fighting for) as the status quo. Coincidently (or synchronistically, as I don’t believe in coincidences) I heard this song played three times on the radio this past week, each time as I’ve been thinking about this blog post. Perhaps as a message to tell you to focus on the next line of the song:
“Ah, but don't you believe them.”
Have a listen to the powerful lyrics and wonderful piano playing.
The fabulous creative and spiritual Victoria Breheny from Active Stillness sums up the message I want to say to you kids:
“As the age of Aquarius kicks into gear, we are all being called to ignite our unique spark and encourage others to do the same, so then we can all be bursting with light, sending fireworks into the world.
We are all one as a collective energy, but we are also authentic expressions of our individual soul and heart. Before we can belong to anything - a tribe, a clan or a community, we must first belong to ourselves.”
Don’t follow the crowd, or listen to the ‘shoulds’, hey, don’t even listen to Dad and I; but I urge you to do the following:
Listen to your intuition.
Follow the whispers.
Get out of your comfort zone.
Explore.
Go on adventures.
Discover who you really are.
Fight for what you believe in..
Jump from the jetty.
Be bold.
Be curious.
Be kind.
And be grateful.
Kids, you’ve got this, go get em! (and I’ll know when you’ve read this post because you’ll tease me about this line).
With love always,
Mum xxx
