The Trailing Spouse
Goodbyes from Melbourne Airport with the cousins
Definition: A term used to describe a person who follows his or her life partner to another city, often country, because of a work assignment.
My husband works for an international Australian-based company, and was posted to Memphis, Tennessee for a great, career enhancing role. ‘Trailing Spouse’ is my current job title, and has been for the last year and a bit, or 20 months if you count the time since I quit my job. Besides parenting, it’s probably been the most challenging, yet rewarding job that I have ever done. It’s fairly unique, and there aren’t a lot of us that have the opportunity to do this. So, here are my thoughts so far in case you’re interested, or find yourself in a similar position in the future.
I’ve written it from the perspective of a semi-urban Australian (Mornington Peninsula, Victoria) living in ‘The South’ of USA. I affectionately emphasise ‘The South’, as it’s kinda like a whole other country with its own set of rules for living.
1) Some background information
The dream first started forming around 2013, when I was a stay-at-home mum with 2 children at school and 2 at home. I’d been immersed for years in nappies, wakeful nights, toddler tantrums, kinder, and everything that comes with 4 small children. Suffice to say I was in a bit of a rut and looking for change. A possible international posting with my husband’s business was an attractive possibility. As life would have it, there were no opportunities at the time, so I went and landed a great job in 2016. I was thriving and content until the opportunity for overseas came knocking at the beginning of 2018. It then became a much harder decision for us. Our eldest was in her final year of primary school, our youngest was in Grade 2, and all 4 kids were pretty settled. But, on the flipside, opportunities like that don’t come around too often. We felt like it was now or never.
I sadly resigned from my job at the end of June 2018 in order to spend 6 weeks preparing our house for sale, another 6 weeks for the sale campaign, then 3 months of sole parenting while my husband started his role in the US. I stayed behind to pack up the house, send the shipping container over, finalise all the admin associated with moving countries and convince the kids we were doing an awesome thing!
My husband left Australia in late September 2018, and the kids and I late December 2018.
2) Fear is an illusion
Ignore the fear mongering you will hear from others when you tell them you are moving to the US! One of the first things people said when we told them we were moving to Memphis was ‘what about the guns, what about the school shootings?’. Yes, this was a concern for us also and we did our due diligence when viewing schools. Sadly, this is a reality in American life, yet you would hardly know. It has become so ingrained in their culture that it’s nothing to do a ‘lockdown drill’ at school on a regular basis. It’s one of those things that just fades into the background. You know the threat is possibly there, but you can’t let it stop you from going about your everyday life. On a very simplistic level, I likened it to the deadly Australian animals. Australians fear American guns and school shootings, Americans fear Australian deadly snakes and spiders and cite that as one of the reasons for not visiting (in addition to travel time, college debt, and 2 weeks holiday per year). It’s no real comparison of course, but it does show how fear can sway our thinking about big change.
3) Don’t expect too much from yourself in the first year
It takes a huge amount of physical and emotional energy to finalise things at home, only to go through similarly physical and emotional challenges when you arrive. It’s exhausting, and you need to cut yourself a lot of slack! I had 3 month, 6 month and 12 month plans, but they were pretty much all thrown out of the window once I realised they weren’t achievable.. Getting 4 children settled into a new school with extra-curricular activities would take a lot longer than expected. After 1 year, this is still a work in progress with current uncertainty around 1 child, though we’re getting closer! You REALLY have to just go with the flow and accept that it’s a gap period in your life where anything and everything is possible.
4) It’s a dream come true, but like most dreams, it looks a bit different to the dream I had in my head
To keep my brain occupied after I quit my job, before I moved to the US, I enrolled in a photography course one night a week in the city. I LOVED it and decided to continue with studies in Memphis. Hopefully I would find some freelance work as well... That proved a lot more challenging than expected due to infrastructure shortfalls and schooling challenges. I’ve had to just accept more spontaneous photographic opportunities as they’ve presented themselves. I began a photography Instagram page @christinadayphotography which has been a lot of fun. To compliment this, I’ve just embarked upon a 4-day photo documentary workshop. As long as I am putting one foot in front of the other heading in the right direction, I’m learning to be happy with that.
5) Be open to the subtle (and not so subtle) changes you will be faced with
There are many! I mean, we know America right? We grew up with American culture on our TV and big screens. But there are SO many more differences than I ever imagined. Here are some obvious, and not so obvious changes:
Driving on the other side of the road
Change of seasons (Christmas actually looks like the movies)
Opposite school year (kids dropped down 6 months and will have to go up 6 months when back in Australia to be with their peers)
Change of school time – more hours, less breaks, sitting down in a cafeteria for 30 minutes before allowed outside for 30-40 minutes, but once in Junior High no outside time at all
Much more testing and general competitiveness of schooling (compared to what we were used to). Pressure on kids in general seems to be about 2 years earlier than home, and I think that is due to the rigorous College application process which starts from 9th Grade, or even earlier in some cases. You only have to look at the recent college application scandal to understand the pressure on these kids to get into College, then pay the huge fees that they’re often paying off late into their life
Constant discussion about whether kids can get scholarships to College – this starts early!! If a kid shows any talent, or an advantage (we have tall kids), people start telling you to think about it. Kids also start to get known by their ACT score rather than their name
Much more competitive sporting, more practices, weeknight games and a lot of tournaments. Changes occur on an almost daily basis, so whilst I used to be able to do an extra-curricular schedule once a Term back in Australia, here it has to be flexible daily. How two parents work I do not know…
Adult Dr’s, paediatric Dr’s, adult dentists, paediatric dentists, GP’s that it’s impossible to get into because they don’t take new clients etc – it’s all way more complicated!
Different supermarkets with different brands, packaging with ingredients listed as just names and no numbers; and high fructose corn syrup in a lot of food
Sugar in the bread!!!
Drive through ATM’s, actually pretty much drive through anything including yoghurt shops and pharmacies
AMAZON! Seriously way too easy…. And perfect when you don’t know any brands or where the shops even are
Any type of icecream you could possibly dream of! This is the land of choice
6) Be prepared to face challenges you never could have imagined
Navigating the US health system is no easy feat. Through my naivety, I found myself at two psychiatric hospitals within a week with one of my children for assessments, only because I had been directed there by well meaning educationalists. Had I listened to my gut, I would have pulled my child out of the situation and slowly worked through solutions. This is what we are currently doing, and I’m thankful that my instincts kicked in after the second assessment when I really got to see the inside of the hospital and knew 100% that it was no place for my child. The system is rigid, and only has the best interest of the child at heart, but sometimes, mostly, mother knows best!
This is probably not an experience that many ex-pat families would have to go through, but just shows some of the types of challenges you may face when you are unfamiliar with the innate workings of another culture.
7) You will surprise yourself with what you can do
You have to rely on yourself, 100%. There really is no one else to lean on in the beginning, except your husband, and they’re so busy learning their new role and the dynamics that go with it. You’re out of your comfort zone, you’re vulnerable, you’ve taken a huge leap of faith, and it’s a bit scary! But… with that comes enormous growth. You realise how conditioned you’ve become by the society that surrounds you, whether that be in politics, religion, parenting etc and your mind begins to open up to so much more. You might even surprise yourself with something you start doing. I told myself when I was younger that I was not a writer. Perhaps this was influenced by my Yr 11 English teacher who advised me to focus on other strengths for Yr 12. Writing doesn’t come to me easily, I find it tricky to find the right words to express myself, but in my middle-age, I’ve found that I have a voice and I need to express it! Usually this has been in other visually creative endeavours, but I’m enjoying a bit of writing now, even if I’m not completely happy with what I write.
8) Your appreciation for home will skyrocket
Whilst Memphis is great and we are having a pretty amazing adventure, our appreciation for home has sky-rocketed. Having grown up by the beach my whole life, it’s a big change to get used to living in a land locked city 8 hrs from the coast.
You really feel the loss of your ‘Village’, those family and friends that become your ‘brains trust’ of support. But you have no other option than to start afresh and rebuild again; make some great new friends, and become thankful your children will have friends in another country. Knowing that the ‘Village’ back home is always available via phone is also a huge support.
And you miss the simple things, like good bread, the sound of a kookaburra, clothes lines, netball, the laid back nature of Australia and our unique dry sense of humour!
9) You will have amazing educational adventures
The map of the US sits next to our dining table and each day we’re studying it talking of our next adventure. The kids are getting pretty good with geography. We try and make the most of every opportunity to get away and explore, though you have to ensure you find the right balance with downtime too. Kids get sick of travelling and just want to hang with their friends, it’s a fine line. There is SO much to see in the US though, and we have only just scratched the surface. Already I think the kids have been to more states than many of their American friends. Hopefully one day they’ll realise how lucky they are and be very grateful!
10) You will meet wonderful, kind, surprising people
Most people we have met here are polite, kind, socially conscious and religious. They also don’t swear as much as Australians! We are in the Bible Belt of course. It can take a while to go deeper in conversations to talk about the really interesting stuff and you sometimes don’t know what they REALLY think of you, generally though, they’re great! We’ve found ourselves drawn mostly to those that are also newish to Memphis, as they’re the ones going through similar relatable challenges. They also don’t have decades of built up history, family and friendships in the city. They say there is only 1 degree of separation in Memphis, and many people at the school are related!
11) It will be one of the BEST things you ever do with your family
Despite the challenges, which only make you stronger anyway, there are so many things to gain from this privilege of being an ex-pat living in another culture. We’ve met some great friends, seen amazing places, and grown stronger as a family unit. The kids have wonderful friends that might one day come to Australia - or our kids will meet them back in America, and we have all grown and learnt so much. It’s a huge life-changing adventure, one that you need to stay completely open minded about and one that delivers surprises and joy in spades. If it’s something you’re considering doing, weigh up the pros and cons, they will probably be pretty balanced, but at the end of the day, go with your heart! You may never get the opportunity again…
After about 24 hours, we arrived!